Saturday, May 5, 2012

The Bachelorette :: Notes to Emily

This, my dears is the portion of the blog in which I become completely superficial and absorbed in worthless pop-culture.
This is the beginning of the Bachelorette posts...
this is my playground.

You will now witness an absolutely disgusting display of flaky judgement calls based entirely on some dudes' headshots.

...and you'll like it.
A lot.

These are a few of the guys in Emily's lineup of 25 bachelors for her season of The Bachelorette
{beginning in just about one week...eeep!}
: )
Some of you hate me right now...

These guys are alternately adorable, totally unattractive, seriously creepy and yummy.
Leave it up to me to tell you {and Emily...because we know she wants my help} which title belongs to which man.

Let the ridiculous judgement calls commence.


Alejandro{didn't lady gaga write a song about this guy?}
This one's got a few red-flags...we'll put him on the creep-ster list.
He's a 'shroom farmer.
For realz.
Also, he made at least two references to his sweet mother in his bio...mama's boy.
Drop him. 
{and lady gaga wrote a song about him, I promise.}


David{interesting fact: I dated like three guys named David...they didn't work out.}
 Here's the singer/songwriter of the bunch.
There had to be one, it's Bachelorette tradition.
He uses big words in his bio. This could be really good or really bad.
And, like I said, he's a muscian...I dated a few of those too...
they're generally creeps.
He just got Creep-Listed.


Jean-Paul
{he only wishes he were french}
 Ah yes...Or should I say "oui"?
Jean-Paul.
Jean-Paul fancies himself an intellectual.
He loves Malcom Gladwell and likes to sit "under the stars wrapped in a blanket talking about our greatest fears" {oh brother...}.
But get this, he wants his superpower to be "Pacifier Powers" so he could calm everyone down and help them chill out to promote world peace.
Thank you, Jean-Paul, the Miss America pageant is right through that door.
Break a leg...or whatever.


Jef{with one "f" because he's spontaneous and unique that way}
 This guy is a problem.
Here's why: he describes himself as an impatient perfectionist who likes to talk.
Sick. He sounds digusting.
And his hair is ridic.
Moving on.


John

{from St. Louis}
This one's from St. Louis.
Which is unfortunate because he has a very nice smile.
But, do you remember what happened the last time we had a gentleman from the StL?
Do you?
It involved a mask... 
Let's not do this again.


Nate{with the vacant stare}
He looks a little deer-in-the-headlights here.
He gets a point for talking about his parents inspiring marriage.
But then he ruins it by saying he was put on the planet to be the center of attention and lead people.
Yipes.
He might be good, he might be bad.
It all hinges on how tall he is... 


Michael{needs a haircut}
Needs a haircut.
Has impeccable taste in music {J.Timberlake, B.Mars and J.Mayer}
...but should really get a haircut.
Is southern, which is good for Emily...
but his hair?
Likes surprising people and wants a woman who is spiritual and optimistic.
He has really long hair though...soooo... 


And...lest you thought I was an evil condescending wench...here are the boys I like!
{maybe}

Randy
{from Wisconsin}
 Oh...he's adorable.
Not like steamy-hot, avert-your-eyes-you-covetous-sinner adorable.
He just looks nice; which is comfortable; which might be what Emily needs.
And, from his bio he seems like a man of few words...which is just how it should be since guys should generally be seen and not heard.
{The three boy-readers of this blog loooove me right now.}
Plus, he's from Wisconsin...and that one guy I dated that actually did work out hailed from that
neck-o-the-woods.
So, I approve.

Ryan{thinks Michael Jordan was an "artist"}
Huh.
Our friend Ryan has quite the jaw-line.
This jaw line will keep him around for a few weeks.
And, about his sentiments on Michael Jordan...I absolutely concur.
I love me a little M.J. 

Sean{yay}
 Sean should be proud of himself.
He is the first in the lineup to be included in the "yummy" category.
His photo was enough to grant the title but he also says he likes to laugh at himself,
he loves NYC but comes from Texas, and is an athelete.
Ding, ding, ding!

Tony{from Oregon}
 Tony is really interesting to me because he's from Oregon...
and, to me, Oregon is the Land of Milk and Honey. Totally a promised land.
So that makes me like him.
{FYI: I'm cracking myself up right now.}
Also, he is a lumber trader.
What does that mean?
Here's what it means to me: plaid shirts, muscles, men hoisting trees and using big machinery, strong hands.
This is all good.
Tony is golden.

Alessandro
{not to be confused with Alejandro up at the top}
 He's from Brazil.
He's trilingual.
He's outdoorsy.
He does long hair right.
{long-locks up there should take a few notes...}
As a rule foreign guys are dreamy.
So...that's fun.

Arie{umm...look at his lips}
Did you? Did you look at his lips??
I KNOW!
Good.
He's from the Netherlands so he gets the foreigner points.
But wait...we come to a screeching halt when we see his profession...
Race. Car. Driver.
Ummm.
That was the profession of Emily's deceased fiance.
This could be really strange.
I mean, it might be just fine...but I'm betting on really strange.



Okay.
That's the end of my tirade.
If you hate me and never want to lay eyes on my blog again, I don't blame you.
But if you loved it and want to follow along on the rest of my Bachelorette ridiculousness...
well...
I LOVE YOU and we should be best friends.

The End.
{until May 14th...}


All photos and bachelor bios from here.

3 comments:

Amy said...

Love, Love, LOVE!!!

Andrea said...

Thank you for this! It totally made my Sunday, and since I didn't look at the bios at all I totally trust your judgement on everyone ;)

Can't wait till May 14th!

Rae Nolt said...

Excited! Glad you are blogging again. :)