Wednesday, September 1, 2010

...And Now, He's Five

September 1, 2005.
5:21 pm - I was just me. Laboring for something I didn't even understand yet.
The clock rolled to 5:22 pm - there he was, "me" became "we". The weight of him on my belly instead of in my belly. His wrinkled up face and mouth like an O.

He had been a part of me for over nine months and I didn't get it until I reached down to touch his little hand. The warmth of his body met mine and it was like an electric shock ran through me. This was my baby. The connection was fierce, it was animalistic, it was unbreakable. Tears made quiet courses down my cheeks and I chanted, "he is so beautiful, he is so beautiful..."
It was a moment that I will carry the feeling of for all my life, and I hope the intensity of the feelings I had will never fade: The moment I became a mother. I remember it like the moment I gave my heart to Jesus and the first anticipatory steps down the white aisle.

He made me a mother...




...and now, he's five.

He doesn't need me like he did. And while that is a bit of a relief, it makes my mother's heart break just a little.
Testing his Independence, his ability to make decisions for himself. Stepping out on his own with new friends and school starting and bad attitudes during a hard day and a new, slapstick sense of humor. He has opinions on t-shirts and hair-dos and what food he wants and his favorite song. He gets embarrassed when I dance funny or call to him across a crowded room full of his friends. He's turning a corner into boyhood that I've sensed coming...
But then, he gets a scrape or needs to cross a busy road or wakes up from his nap ready for a snuggle and his need for me comes back. I kiss the wound, grasp his hand, gather him onto my lap and vow to use up every moment of baby boy that comes my way. I'll savor the feel of his still-small hand in mine. I'll "get hungry" for his cheeks when I tuck him into bed and store up every squeek and giggle while I nibble his face. I'll tell him stories when he asks and sing him songs he requests and be the mom to the baby boy and to the big boy alternately as he needs it.
I'm so glad he's growing up. It means that he's developing into the person God designed him to be. But the word "bittersweet" never fit a situation so well as it does motherhood. "Bittersweet" was invented for mothers.


This boy is so precious to me.
And we're growing up together.
He made me a mother...a mother of a baby, a mother of a toddler, a mother of a preschooler and now, a mother of a five year old.
Happy 5th Birthday, curly mop head, I love you to pieces.

19 comments:

Andrea said...

beautiful post! you're making me cry just thinking about all the wonderful things to come.

happy birthday beck!

Katie said...

Beautiful. Thanks for making me cry. :)

Alicia Marie said...

Yes. Thanks for making me cry as well. My baby turned 5 weeks yesterday and I mourned that. My first baby boy is growing so fast. Bittersweet is the perfect word. Happy Birthday to your little man...he is just gorgeous.

[not the] Best Blog Ever said...

I'm crying here, too, at work, over my Subway sandwich. Ack! This is the sweetest post and made me think ahead to Park growing up... Bittersweet, indeed.

Saundra said...

That bittersweet mommy feeling never stops, even at 23 and 27......

Jamie Willow said...

yes I am also crying...crocodile sized tears...you wrote it so well...

I'm so glad I've been able to see him grown and to see you become such a great mom too...it inspires me!

Annie said...

crying because life changes in that 1 minute.

so unexplainable. so real. so perfect.

Rae Nolt said...

Crying with the rest of your readers! Made me hug my little boy a bit longer!! Tell Beck HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Hope he has a wonderful day!

Kristi said...

Happy Birthday to your baby boy! They will ALWAYS be our babies! Beautiful post! :)
Kristi

Mrs.M said...

Aaaaand, now I'm crying.

Beautiful.

Laura said...

I think my mom doesn't know that I'm 28... she said 27. Don't tell her. haha. This post made me cry. Elijah turns 3 in less than 2 weeks and each day toward being a bigger boy, I drag my feet a bit more. :-)
I always tell him, "Stop growing up." And he ALWAYS replies, "But I AM growing, Mommy."

Alexandria said...

you're right. cried. this is such a perfect post.

friday night here we come...we're gonna party this big boy into his new year!

3formom said...

Very well written. How fast they grow. Be blessed.

Saundra said...

See, I'm trying to keep Laura a year younger:)

Truly His said...

Best post I have read in a long time!! Beautiful, ASHLEY! Happy bday to your big boy!

Cathy said...

Very nice! My oldest turns five next Spring...you captured the emotions very well. :-)

Sarah said...

Happy Birthday Beck. Beautifully written post Mrs. B. Perfect.

Sarah said...

I have passed on an award to you you you. Come on over and claim it!

Sarah said...

Oh, girl -- I'm a bit behind in my blog reading these days and just now read this. You should put a warning on this post because I just cried and cried! The part that got me most was:

"I'm so glad he's growing up. It means that he's developing into the person God designed him to be. But the word "bittersweet" never fit a situation so well as it does motherhood. "Bittersweet" was invented for mothers."

I couldn't have said it better myself!