Friday, February 12, 2010

Troublesome Tenant: Petition for Early Eviction

I did not want to be the Miserable, Complaining Pregnant Lady. I also did not want to be the Growing a Gargantuan Baby, Teetering on 50 Pound Weight-Gain, Emotional Basket Case Pregnant Lady. Sometimes life just doesn't turn out as planned, does it?

So, here I am: Cashing in my chips. This is my one gripe-a-thon pregnancy post. Soak it up, people, it wont be happening again. Because I honestly do feel absolutely blessed to be carrying this child. But, great balls of fire, I am finished.
(Note: I planned on writing this post a week or so from my due date. I am writing a full four weeks before I expected. Nice.)

Petition for Early Eviction:
It is the belief of the Landlord that the Tenant has severely outgrown it's space.
Tenant has ignored repeated requests to:
  • stop disruptive and painful movement from the hours of 9pm - 6am
  • refrain from using Landlord's bladder as a trampoline
  • get off Landlord's sciatic nerve
  • quit swiveling massive head (thank you, Mr. B.) on Landlord's pelvic bones
  • cease using Tenant's stomach as a punching bag - causing nausea & inability to eat craved foods

Tenant has also caused:

  • Restless Leg Syndrome
  • inability of Landlord to hoist self from the couch
  • sleeplessness
  • stretchmarks
  • severe cravings of chocolate, tuna fish, navel oranges, waffles and potato chips
  • frightening outbursts of rage and/or sobbing
  • the required use of unflattering, elastic waisted sweatpants
  • repeated inquiries from others as to the length remaining in lease - 5 weeks - followed by piteous looks and shakes of the head
  • swelling causing the inability to wear wedding ring or normal shoes
  • decrease in range of motion
  • fear of scales
  • loss of energy
  • loss of humor
  • loss of memory and normal brain function
  • loss of self-esteem
  • loss of social graces
  • loss of general nice-ness

(Disclaimer: I have hosted tenants in the past. Never has the list of complaints been this lengthy at this point in the tenant's residency. I am not a wimp. This tenant is an uncooperative, large person that must evacuate the premises in a timely manner.)

In the words of the late, great dc Talk,
"Time is ticking away. Tick, tick, ticking away."

photo credit: flickr member john carleton


Sarah said...

It's the third child syndrome I tell you!!!! I felt the same way my third pregnancy. Although my second was bad too (only cause Ryan was 11.7 when he was born!!) I am guessing boy. Only a boy would cause you this much grief :)

Hang in there honey!! Time is ticking, all be it slowly, but it is a ticking!!

Natalie said...

You my Dear are doing Amazing under all those conditions, I mean think about it you were about to sit as long as you did to write this post :) you were able to think enough to premeditate and write it.. which is amazingly witty and smart. Maybe don't answer the questions as to when you are "due" just say soon! :) And whoever coined the phrase "no pain, no gain" MUSTA been a woman exactly in your shoes! So remember that :) And by the way you are Gorgeous Pregnant!

Alicia Marie said...

You are hilarious. The circumstances are not. The symptoms are not, but you are. Just use your wit and tell people that ask you when you are due that is is soon enough, maybe right now... it will get them to leave. Trust me, i used that.( I got the, "you are having twins! No? There is only ONE?! Are you sure?" comments ALL the time...
Hang in there...Baby Boy or Girl is coming! I'll pray sooner rather than later!

The Arnold Family said...


I get so miserable at the end. (Who doesn't). I get so miserable far away from the end too.


-We have the same cravings! This pregnancy I have been loving Chocolate, tuna, navel oranges and waffles! Haven't gotten in on the potato chips.

-Yup on the rage and sobbing.

-This pregnancy I cannot wear my jeans unless I am going out. Prolonged wearing causes me to get bad stomach cramps. And im only 19 weeks.

-Haven't worn my wedding ring since before Nissi. I was going to get it re-sized but then I got pregnant again. *sigh*. I do miss it but I don't want to spend the money to STILL not be able to fit it. But after this baby it's getting re0sized.

-Yup on all your losses.

But for you-the finish line is totally in sight! We'll just say 3 weeks...:)

Oh, and thank you for getting a 90's song stuck in my head. I will be singing it all day!

Jamie Willow said...

oh yes, now I remember why I'm not having another baby any time soon...I was starting to forget...thank you :)

praying for your strength to get through each day. each moment.

love you. love your baby.

Annie said...

oh my! sorry your so uncomfortable :( your cravings made me laugh. He/She will be here soon! Promise.

Parisienne Farmgirl said...

Seeing as my tenant was evicted a mere 22 days ago I FEEL YOUR PAIN!
It's the third child, I swear. How old are you? Every time it gets WORSE for me cause of age...and I'm not even OLD!
This was so funny - actually Hubby read it outloud to me over coffe - what a funny way to start our day

Andrea said...

You are so funny! Miserable I am sure, but so funny! Couldn't have written it any better! Hope these next few weeks fly by fast for you!

Laura said...

I love you. If I could, I'd take the last few weeks for you and give you a rest, but it doesn't really work that way. :-) xoxo
It'll be over soon and then none of this will matter.

Anonymous said...

I know time seems to drag during the last few weeks.....but it IS the last weeks, the baby is here! Can't wait. I know your weary in your "well doing"
I read this to Gram and she loved it....really funny! xoxoxo M

Katie Beth said...

It's gotta be a boy! :)